Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
