Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
