Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
