I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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