Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
