just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
