ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
