How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
