3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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