The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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