i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
