omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
