That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
