It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
