you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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