Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
