The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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