There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
and you fell through a lawn chair
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
