Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
