i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize