A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize