Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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