I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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