I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
