How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
