Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
