This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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