Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
