Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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