She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Drunk is a universal language darling
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
