watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
