Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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