do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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