I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize