apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
