god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
