Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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