I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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