mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
