and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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