She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
