I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
