Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
