morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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