The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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