ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
