i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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