Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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