If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
