I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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