We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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