I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
