Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
