You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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