My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
