If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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