tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He passed out mid-signature
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
