True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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